I received a letter yesterday from an ex-home teacher [jr companion] who is near to the end of his Mission in Puerto Rico. I am ashamed that I fell off regular letters some time ago. And he apoligized for not writing often! I'm the one who should be ashamed. And I do.
Anyway, he asked me if I'd found any theatrical pursuits to involve in since the move here [heh, heh, heh...didn't know what he was asking, did he?] It is one of our areas of common interest.
But tonight I find myself so depressed again. I feel like I really messed up. There has been some misunderstandings I think...
First I must digress. Many years ago now, one of my closest friends at that time and place dropped by as we were sitting down to dinner. She was returning a book I had loaned to her, but inside she had included a letter to me. The letter was not written in a lucid time for her, she was putting all the anger at her mother on me [wasn't I lucky] I understood then, and I understand now, that it wasn't really her writing to me...but I've always held in my heart some of what she said, and wondered if some of what she said was true. I hope not. I try not. But was it? And more importantly, is it?
Fast forward to last winter. The Pageant director was ill, and for a couple days could not be there as we madly tried to finish costumes and sets. Initially everyone kept asking me what to do next, or what to do about [fill in the blank]. My answer was "You know what to do. You have a brain. You tell me what you need--remember, I'm the one here who doesn't sew." And after a fairly short while, the work moved forward at a furious pace with people making their own decisions and not going to one person for every little thing. The director came in for a short while to check on our progress the second day. She yelled at me for trying to take over etc. etc. etc. I was extremely depressed as I went home, wondering both at her vitriol, and at how much was true, albeit unconciously, but true nontheless
This year I am supposed to direct. I told our new bishop at our meeting that Iwould talk to the old director. Our first concern was to not hurt her feelings. It din't work. I find myself wondering again at her accusations from last year.
This production was her concept. Her script. It could never have been done without her. But it could also never have been done without me. Last year I served as her slave--not my title, but the reality. I not only cannot, but my family nor my bishop, will not allow the same situation again.
So I am left wondering what is right? Did I push myself in? Did I try to take over from her? Obviously that is become the end result. I feel depressed, I don't know what to repent of, but am left feeling called to repentence. The situation is a bit different, but I feel the same as I felt last year and years ago from the letter. Is it only me? Or do other people have situations that come up from time to time? I really just want to do the right thing. Always. Why is it so hard when dealing with other people?
4 comments:
I don't think you did anything wrong. Naturally she feels hurt, after all you said yourself it was her idea, her script. But the fact is you were asked to direct this year. It makes sense. You are a director. You have that training to make it all run smoothly (or at least as smoothly as possible). She is a great costumer, that is where her training is, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure she really realizes that, but sometimes it's hard to accept that we can't do all that we want to (especially for the crazy artistic types :)).
You need to stop worrying what others think of you. You were asked to be the director. You didn't ask to be the director. That's a big difference. Yes, her feelings were hurt, but it shouldn't have been up to you to go talk to her about it anyway. The bishop should have done so to circumvent the idea that you are pushing your way in.
Here's my only suggestion for the pagent this year: try not to let it overcome your life so much! Your entire family missed you for months on end! ;)
I am reminded strongly of a situation I found myself in when I attended college. The beginning of my sophmore year I had a pretty good relationship with my 5 roommates. Halfway through the year there was a falling out f some sort. The roommate was in school choir and attended the regular choir at our ward. I was the ward choir pianist. One Sunday, our choir director at church was going to be out of town and he asked me to fill in for him. She was angry that he asked me rather than her because she was the singer and I just the lowly pianist. She made it very well known that she though I was taking the job over from her (and in truth perhaps I was since I had been asked to do it). I too felt the need to mend bridges and attempt to save our friendship. I suppose I felt that same urging to repent, though unsure of what, as you did. Finally I found a quiet moment and spoke with her. I apologized if I made her upset somehow and didn't realize it, etc. I would like to say it was a happy ending, but unfortunately this young woman wanted to be angry at me for anything she could think of. She even threw a "somebody said that they had heard that you may have said...." at me. And when I denied saying it, and that in truth I had never even heard about what she was referring to. I was prounounced to be self centered and wrapped up in myself because I didn't know about all of her issues and problems. My consolation was that I had tried to make things right, I had tried to apologize. I had done everything in my power. So, I put it behind me and literally forgave and forgot. She never allowed me to be her friend again after that and maybe she still carries that grudge, and if so I truly feel sorry for her, how it must hurt. I can only hope she has managed to let it go.
And while Lura has a good point and is most likely right. There are a few that will hang on to things no matter how trivial or big. There are a few that have the need to be angry at someone to blame lifes problems on. (she could have been just as angry with you had nothing happened at all with the production) I hope this isn't the case, and I hope it can be cleared up in the end. My suggestion is to apologize, even if you aren't in the wrong. Ask for their forgiveness and if they don't want to give it, then you have done everything in your power and have repented of anything left standing. If they do forgive you then the bridge might be able to be mended. Forgive them and move on. It's tough and sometimes the words said to me still hover and sting, but in my heart I know that they are not true. The words do help me from time to time to evaluate and be sure that I am not doing what I was accused of.
Sending you a big *hug*
Thank you, girls. Each of you said something I needed. Julia, just knowing someone else has had a situation similar to mine helps... I was beginning to think it was all my fault any time there has been a personality problem with someone, even tho. I know better. What one knoews and what one feels doesn't always jibe.
Lura, since you are well aquainted with the person involved, I treasure what you said. [and that's why I called you to cry last night.]
Sariah, I am especially trying to set things up so that the Pageant does not have to take over anyone's life this year [except for the final week--that's unavoidable!] for believe me, I wasn't the only one last year--and there are many people with many resentments left--one main reason the bishop wanted a different director this year!
As Sariah expressed much more eloquently recently, it is great to have online friends to help in times of crisis--perceived, real, big or small, as we all have our crisis.
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