Fear is a very strange thing. It can have so many different reasons and perhaps even more manifestations. I remember eons ago [1971] when, as a college student in a philosophy class, we were asked to write down and then share our biggest fears--reasonable or un-. Mine was of fire--I think quite reasonable since I grew up in the southern CA foothills in chaparrel country. That is semi-arid, and the type of western countryside hit with forest fires on a yearly basis. A classmate [who was a Seminarian--Catholic college--he was studying to become a priest] very seriously said." Bishop Buddy" [LDS read 'Stake President" for Bishop] A formidable man--I was scared of him too--when I was 12.
I have been in life threatening situations, and while experiencing some fear at the time, it is usually after the crisis that the fear is most heartily felt. During a crisis there is no time to worry or feel afraid, just time to DO. I have had fear for my children, usually my older son, while in emergency rooms. It is just that there were more ER trips with him than with all the rest of my kids combined.
In 1980, as a young mother with 3 small children, one under 4 months, I went to the Dr. myself with what were at the time odd symptoms to me. He told me that I "had all the signs of an impending stroke." I sat in my car and cried for at least half an hour. He also arranged for an immediate CT scan in Portland. My husband was in TX with the Air Force so I had my father-in-law take me. I asked if I could go up to the military hospital at Fort Lewis WA for the test, but my Dr. said no--it would take too long. So we ended up with a huge bill for nothing. What I had were all the signs of a previous stroke--with the stress of my life at the time bringing them on. A neurologist would have known, but they were few and far between back then.
So this evening when I awoke from my "nap" unable to move, literally paralyzed, I tried not to fear. I'm sure it was just another type of seizure, or related to one of my other health problems. I see my Dr. this week anyway, so I am calling in the morning to get my bloodwork date moved up [I'm sure they'll fit me in with this!] I shall NOT fear. It is a useless emotional response when I can not take action.
But yes, I did fear for the minutes that seemed like hours before I could force my body to move. This happened once before and I was co-incidently already in the ER, so they kept me in the hospital overnight for observation. My observation was they no one had a clue--so they called it a seizure and sent me home. That was about 17 years ago, so this is not a great frequency, and nothing to worry about.
But it's got me thinking...what do I fear now? As I get older, I find I fear less for myself--even fire no longer hold the fear once it did for me. I don't fear severe illness--been there, done that--poverty, nope--homelessness, nope--death, nope--judgement, ah, there's the rub! As I read and study and learn and hopefully improve and grow, I find myself severely lacking in areas I had not previously thought were big problems. I used to find my temper and impatience my worst fault, but while I cannot claim to have it conquered, I do think I've made progress. So I try to strip the onionskins of my personality--where do I most need to improve...
So I've discovered my greatest fear--not recognizing faults in time to improve in a given area before the Judgement. But at least it is a fear upon which I can act. So if I can DO something about it, I won't fear--not really, for this life, then, is the crisis and so long as I act upon that which I can, everything will be just fine in the end.
disclaimer: I still fear for and worry about my kids and grandkids...but I can't do anything to help in their needs.
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